Welcome …

I'm Sheri Savill and I write BDSM erotica, humor -- sometimes both at the same time. Mostly I try to be honest.

Banana Guy 11

This was actually going to be Banana Guy 12.

It is important to note that THERE IS/WAS NOTHING AT ALL WRONG WITH THE “FIRST” BANANA GUY 11. You’ll see him next week. Let me just state that for the record.

But this morning I was uploading a few Banana Guys — a “bunch” you could say — and suddenly I decided 12 should be 11, and 11 should be 12.

Banana Guy 11 was going to be Banana Guy 12. I suddenly remembered -- FOREHEAD SMACK -- that my entire life is about rugby, so I changed the posting schedule.

Banana Guy 11 was going to be Banana Guy 12. I suddenly remembered — FOREHEAD SMACK — that my entire life is about rugby, so I changed the posting schedule.

Oh yeah, I’m a HUGE fan of rugby and, in particular, of the sport’s star player and today’s Banana Guy … Stuart? Stuart something, I think it said.

I could go on and on about my lifelong love affair with rugby but these are supposed to be short posts. I just didn’t want you thinking I posted this pic of Stephen Randon JUST BECAUSE of his fucking hot-looking banana outline or his smoldering good looks or his chiseled abs and pert nipples and those taut lean thigh muscles and rippling forearms and those sexy tattoos and that perfect amount of facial hair. That would have been pretty fucking shallow of me.

TechKink 2

Sort of a series, I guess. I’m big on starting series. Hope it will be helpful or maybe just make you go “WTF”? Big Disclaimer: I’m by no means an authorit-ah, on anything, but I do know a little about being online (since the Dark Times) and making websites/blogs (since 2000), so I’ll post some cool tools for running your online authorial life, things like that. Mmmkay? I might throw in some charming anecdotes. Or a picture of me as a baby. Or a link to something beautifully weird and useless. So, maybe you should at least skim. A comment would be better, just so I know someone read and liked it. Or, remain silent and I will cut this shit out. I’ll be trying to keep these kinda short, so people don’t totally glaze. Mostly just thumbs up and down, links to cool things you might want to bookmark.

Sheri Savill explains it all. She does web development, dontcha know. Like, for pay.

Sheri Savill explains it all. She does web development, dontcha know. Like, for pay.

RECOMMENDED: Buffer App. A few people have asked me to explain Buffer. The help on their site is pretty damned good, but one thing people might not grasp is that you can use the thing to shoot your crap all over the internet in timed intervals (your choice), over many social media accounts you own. Like, when I post links to the Dungeon Crawl posts? I send those out using Buffer and they go out on the RTK Twitter account, the RTK Dungeon Crawl account, my Sheri Savill account (which you should be following because I actually do interact on Twitter), the Tara Febreze account (slut!), and Facebook and Google Plus too. The beauty of Buffer — the purpose of it — is that you can “schedule” your Important Pronouncements (“Cover Reveal!” “FREE OIL CHANGE!” “I’m naked eating cookies right now!” “Anyone know what a better word for THROBBING is?” “BUY MY BOOK NOW OR THE KITTEN DIES!”)  in staggered annoying bursts instead of flooding everyone’s social media channels like an annoying fuckstick er I mean instead of being pushy and phony and phoning it in. So you can use Buffer to appear to be in many places at once, like some kind of ninja thing. Now, everyone knows you aren’t — they’re not stupid — but again it’s automating some things so you spread your “joy” and stay active without being all spammy about it. I know I’ve muted things that bugged me with too many posts/tweets/etc. so I bet you have too. DON’T DENY IT! HATE IT WITH THE FIRES OF A THOUSAND SOLAR FLARES ON SATAN’S ASS: Linked In. Again, this is just my personal opinion and experience, but I detest everything about LI. I can’t hate it enough, really. Sometimes I set the alarm so I can get up in the morning, an hour early, and hate on it. I mean, I still get “invites” to “network” with people I don’t know, who aren’t even tangentially connected to my “career” areas, etc. Seriously? I view LI as a spam thing. I have it blocked every way I can up on my servers, in my email clients, and I have a bazooka trained on it as I type this. If it gets any closer I will use the flamethrower on its happy ass. Your mileage may vary, and good luck to you.

In Which I Berate The Person Who Made the HEA/HFN Rule

Has anyone ranted about the stupid “HEA/HFN” requirement for “erotic romance” lately? Well OK, I will then. I’m new at fiction and I hate this stupid rule. I’m also ignorant enough to rant publicly about it. It’s just my little opinion, eh?

First off, who decided this was a “rule”? Who? Where are they? Bring them to me. I’d like to speak to that person. Now.

Oh yeah, found her. Check her out. Yeah, like she knows hot smut and what we want to read and write.

Here she is. This is the woman who decided that all erotic romance HAD to have a happy ending.

Here she is. This is the woman who decided that all erotic romance HAD to have a happy ending.

Sheri: So, Ms. Decider-Person. WTF? Who died and made you fucking queen on this issue?
Ms. Decider-Person: I just decided that would be the rule. Forever. Everyone accepts my decision without question. Erotic romance MUST have a happily-ever-after OR a happy-for-now ending. Period. You will abide by it.
Sheri: Fuck you say. What if I don’t want to abide by it?
MDP: You won’t be able to market, much less sell, your books. Your choice, Ms. Savill.
Sheri: No, you removed my “choice” when you made that ridiculous fucking “rule.” As a writer — no, scratch that — as a thinking person, with free will, living in a free country, I believe it’s entirely possible to have romance in an erotic-as-fuck story without there being a stupid “happy ending.” Life is messy. That’s what makes it interesting. You seem to want us all to live in this little happy-shiny-denial-bubble. Are you like, on drugs?
MDP: Real is scary and ugly. I want people to feel good when they close the book. The characters have to walk off into the sunset. Smiling. Holding hands. Maybe a sensuous and loving kiss, and then the epilogue says the first baby is already on the way! Baby cooing sounds. Those are good for an ending.
Sheri: Or, maybe a big-ass tactical nuke suddenly comes flying at them from nowhere and it blows their lovey-dovey asses sky high, just body parts everywhere. But they loved each other. And no baby. This is smut, erotica, dipshit.
MDP: Stop! That’s a horrible ending! Violent and unsatisfying! I’m not listening! LA LA LA LA FINGERS IN MY EARS. LA LA LA.
Sheri: And worse, your ending is BORING. It’s PREDICTABLE. Show some imagination, for God’s sake. Give readers a little credit for being able to handle a non-happy ending in a smutty “romance” story! They’re all wearing their big girl panties. They can handle ambiguity, dark edges, a bed that isn’t made using hospital corners. Some days readers even run with scissors! Your rule is STIFLING art. Killing writers. Sterilizing the creative process, making all the plots more or less homogenized, rote, interchangeable. You bring everything down to a lowest common denominator instead of encouraging excellence and achievement.
MDP: I don’t like unpleasantness. I only like happy. See my tattoo? It’s a smiley face.
Sheri: It’s the Wal-Mart logo. Hello? It’s hideous. Maybe a good laser can get that off you.
MDP: Erotic romance HAS to have a happy ending, because readers expect it, because I taught them to expect it, to demand it! HEA/HFN is the very definition of “erotic romance.”
Sheri: No, you fucking brainwashed them. You removed their choice. You’re a boring old fuck. A destroyer of imagination. I want to break your inane rule and show you people are BORED with HEA/HFN. They WILL accept — even like — non HEA, non HFN endings in erotic romance.
MDP: No they won’t! They’ll always expect a happy ending! They like reading the same thing over and over in slightly different forms. Monday they have fish sticks, Tuesday they have fish nuggets. Wednesday, back to fish sticks. Thursday, fish fillet with breading. Friday, fish nuggets again. See? Same thing, every time, more or less. Because I’ve trained them that way! If you write some non-happy ending, give them a sushi or pizza or Chinese food or, god forbid, a gourmet meal when they expect fish sticks, they’ll go postal on you. They’ll rebel. They’ll slam your book and run you out of town. You can’t call a non-HEA erotic story “erotic romance.” YOU CANNOT. My rule is FIRM. NO exceptions.
Sheri: You’re really annoying. You sanctimonious twat.
MDP: Ha ha! I’m here, I’m staying. I make the rules! MY RULES! You have to follow them! HA HA!
Sheri: I have a happy-ending story for you: Once upon a time, MDP visited Sheri’s blog. Sheri interviewed MDP, and MDP got uppity with Sheri, so Sheri pulled out a Street Sweeper and blasted MDP full of lead. And then MDP was dead, really dead. Oh so sad. Boo hoo. People mourned for 2 seconds. No one even called 9-1-1. And this book just ends like that.

THE END.

Want more? Show MDP you’re not a mindless lemming. Leave a comment telling MDP’s corpse-bits (if they can even be found) to fuck the fuck off, and that you want to read hot erotic ROMANCE but it does NOT necessarily have to have a “happy ending.” Tell MDP’s corpse to rot in hell, you’ll decide what you like and what “genre” “requirements” there are, if any. I will start a petition, too.

Butt Plug Weekend

I don’t know. There I was, over on Facebook (bleh) posting about a search string someone used to arrive here at my site:

facehole post

Then this happened.

Corey Harper: Is this a cry for help?
Sheri Savill: Just someone looking for FACTS and RELIABLE INFORMATION and you know my website is full of that sort of thing.
Corey Harper: Of course. What was I thinking.
Sheri Savill: I will make a FAQ, I think.

Q: Will a spider gag make you drool?
A: Fuck yes.
Q: Will a cane leave a mark?
A: Fuck yes.
Q: Should I send my life savings to Sheri Savill?
A: Fuck yes.
Q: Should Sheri Savill be running the planet?
A: Fuck yes.

That kind of thing. Helpful-like.

Then things turn a weird turn.

Megan Michaels: Oh god!! I can’t stop laughing!
Casey McKay: Someone found my blog once by searching for “butt plug weekend” — not as entertaining as Spider Gag, but I cannot stop thinking about what a butt plug weekend would be like!
Corey Harper: Casey, it’s longer than a butt plug Friday, but shorter than a butt plug vacation.
Casey McKay: Ah! That clears that up then!
Sheri Savill: “Butt Plug Weekend” has to be made into a movie poster, stat. You know I will do it and post it on my blog. Be ready.
Kathy Batts: People search for the weirdest stuff to get by us.
Casey McKay: OMG Sheri, do it! Doooooo it! Peer pressure!

And I always give in to peer pressure. Plus, if someone just asks me to make stupid shit for no reason and post it on my very serious blog here, well, I just do it, you know?

So, then this happened:

butt plug weekend

plugs-after

Banana Guy 10

Banana Guy 10 is serious about me. Look at the smoldering eyes. The undies, every so slightly askew.

He’s saying, “Hey Sheri girl. Don’t even think about putting up Banana Guy 11 next week, okay? Because I’m here now. And I want you. Bad. My white undies are slightly off kilter, see? That’s from me just thinking about you. You make my banana jump, yes you do. It jumped so hard it actually dislodged my undies a little, see? Because that’s what you do to me, Savill, you wicked wench.”

This is Banana Guy 10.

This is Banana Guy 10.

BEGIN WESTMINSTER KENNEL CLUB VOICEOVER

Banana Guy ten has a medium-large banana that is versatile and ready for anything. The clean lines and balanced proportions of this banana make Banana Guy ten a perfect companion for any occasion. Not a banana for the frail or timid, this is a bold, sturdy specimen that easily outperforms lesser bananas. This is Banana Guy number ten.

END WESTMINSTER KENNEL CLUB VOICEOVER